rumbling with my emotions

This last week was packed to the brim with dinners and hangouts with various combinations of friends and my life has felt fuller, no doubt, because of it. There were a few moments I had during these hangouts that tripped me up. One was realizing in the middle of a dinner with friends I feel very comfortable around that I felt anxiety. I hadn't felt that kind of anxiety for awhile as I've been so focused on work, exercise, reading self-help books and trying to support my mom through her divorce - I thought I was over it. I thought to myself I'm almost 30. I've worked hard to put myself in the best imaginable place in life I could be. I'm growing into myself and letting go of the insecurities of my 20s. But there I was feeling society anxiety nonetheless.

One of the books I've been reading, "Rising Strong" by Brenee Brown, teaches about rumbling with your emotions and getting curious about where they're coming from. So I sat there amidst the chatter and rumbled. I came to the conclusion that I was anxious about being liked or entertaining, whether I had said (a few things) wrong, and whether people were having a good time. Before, I would have let myself marinate in those feelings of guilt for not saying all the right things, but this time I knew the theoretical ropes. I took a breathe, acknowledged the anxiety, and let myself believe as best I could that my friends either didn't notice or would forgive me. I let myself believe they were indeed having a good time, and more importantly, that it wasn't my job. It wasn't perfect, but it helped!

I also noticed in that conversation that some people, including myself, have a tendency to downplay themselves, their blessings, and their achievements. I found myself saying at dinner half-joking half-serious, "Oh man, if I didn't have my husband at home, I would love to have the time to do what you do, blog and start a business, and create things and yada yada." My friend stopped me in my tracks and said, "so you're complaining about having a life." It was truth. The truth is I have a great life and a great husband. And I actually do have time. I haven't been blogging because I've felt that every blog post had to be perfect and poignant, crafted and meaningful. I haven't been blogging because it was more worth it to me in the moment to cuddle on the couch with my husband and watch a show. I worried that blogging uninspired would simply result in a stream of consciousness aka what this post is. Once I realized what I was doing, another wave of guilt washed over me. Why was I downplaying how grateful I was to have my husband by my side and the life that I have? Was I trying to lift others up by downplaying what I had? Again, I was brought back to the words of Brenee Brown. That when she interviewed people who had suffered great loss i.e. survived genocide or death of a child, they always told her they appreciated when she talked about her children and showed genuine appreciation for what she had. Because that meant she understood the magnitude of what they had lost. I thought about the many friends I look up to who never seem to minimize themselves and what they have, and who simply aren't afraid to show their genuine happiness. I decided to take self-deprecatory/husband jokes off the table. 

I also decided to let the stream of consciousness run, and just write instead of thinking "I would love to write." After all, this blog is for me - almost nobody knows about it.