the strength surrounding me

After a rough couple of days, today has been a good day.

I'm sitting in Coffee Tree Roasters. The temperature is perfect and sunlight is pouring in from the open store front. There is conversation all around. People feel happy. And I'm actually in one of those pleasant study moods where I'm curious about the material I'm reading, I'm okay with my slow but steady pace, and I'm okay with intermittent distractions (like writing this blog post).

I wrote an Instagram post a few days ago where I was more open than usual. I wrote about dealing with my parent's divorce, the grief and feeling of death that has enveloped my family, and how I found solace in the gratitude I had for my bag of groceries that day. I ended the post asking people to not post "stay strong girl messages" and only post what they were grateful for. It was super fucking vulnerable and I immediately regretted posting it. People who didn't know me started responding, reaching out and saying they were there if I needed to talk, saying they were grateful for me (of all things to be grateful for), and sending me all sorts of private messages that I just didn't have the energy to respond to. I don't know why my reaction was so strong at first where every good-will message sent my way was met with resentment, but today I was thinking maybe it was actually just me grappling with vulnerability and shame in the moment. Maybe the story playing in my head was that people were posting "I'm grateful for you" out of pity to try to lift me up. Maybe all this time they were just being freaking genuine.

5 days later, I'm still getting random texts and messages from people, and instead of feeling prickly, I feel thankful. I'm allowing my community and my world to lift me up today. Here are a few of my favorite messages that I'm grateful for:

"I'm grateful our high school years coincided and that I have the privilege of knowing you. I'm grateful for your willingness to share your struggles. I'm grateful for your authenticity when you're in the trenches. I'm grateful for your perspective and ability to find joy in the midst of overwhelming grief. I love that the low points in life only highlight all that is good. <3 #silver lining. You are cherished! thanks for sharing this today"
- Lauren (one of the most popular and kind girls in my high school who lost her husband suddenly in his sleep one month after they married - I knew that she understood and knew what true loss was, and yet she found it in her heart to continue loving life and gifting others with her kindness.)

"I'm jealous of your grocery cart! Even in hard times, I am grateful for my body (which is carrying me through incredibly difficult trials), my spirit (which has allowed me to stay positive despite direct circumstances), and for friends/family that come out in force when you need them most."
- Caroline (a high school friend I lost touch with who is fighting stage 4 ovarian cancer at this time. I've been admiring her from a facebook-far for her posts which are somehow always grateful and never self-pitying.)

"Your updates are great - really thought provoking, health care and life in general. Keep posting."
- Totally random guy I've never talked to...but we went to the same college. So weird, it's like he knew I wanted to stop posting and he was there to remind me "hey, if you feel you have something important to say, say it. you never know who you're are making a difference to."

"Been meaning to text you after I saw your fb post this week about things to be grateful for. Had been thinking this past week or two about you being my senior in the ICU this time last year and how you taught me to be more confident in my decisions and myself. Your friend Zak was my AI on floors and I was passing on the same advice to him. Funning how things come full circle. Anyway, just wanted to say I'm grateful for all you taught me, it helped me be a better senior."
- Reed, my kind, patient and total-team player intern. I was lucky to have him as an intern.

"Thankful for my more-emo-than-me friend who models EQ for the rest of us."
- Juli. One of my best friends. Because I LOLed when I read this. Because you know there was a well-intentioned zing in there.

"Tbh, each day my Gratitude Journal includes something like "I'm grateful for M because..." so obvi my answer is you <3<3"
- Jen, my rock and my-sister-from-another-mother who has been on this journey of growing up from grief with me this year. I probably don't write about her enough.

"I'm grateful for silver livings when things get tough and the unexpected good things/people/places (mostly people) that come out of them. Also, to continue with the "M" theme...I am grateful that you were my senior during holiday coverage when I was an intern away from my people and all the laughters (pranking Alej was top notch) that we shared and the confidence you gave me!<3"
- Christina, my other awesome and thoughtful intern from Colombia.

"Grateful for sunshiny days, a warm breeze, and shrimp tacos."
- Gaby, another strong woman who reached out to me privately to say she understood the grief that comes from parents divorcing. Hers did when she was in college. And then her boyfriend passed away suddenly too on top of that last year. Yet you would never know if you met her kind, smiling, beautiful face.

"Hey M, I always love your thoughtful posts. I'm grateful for music, as it helps when I'm injured and can't use exercise to cope with shit. Anyway I wanted to share a song with you that you might be able to appreciate. The chorus resonated with me in a healing sort of way and maybe you can relate. Best to listen alone - Sasha Sloan - Older"
- Katie, my old roommate who has been through more than you can imagine and who I have not talked to in years. The song definitely resonated and I was glad I listened to it alone because it made me cry.

And many more posts from people far and wide who found the time to be vulnerable and share what they were grateful for. I suddenly realized just how many role-models I had all around me this entire time. I realized how many people have gone through tremendous loss and hardship that they hide behind a courageous smile, and I feel proud today of how much grit we collectively own and maybe don't even realize.

Identity

I'd rather be a tall, ugly weed,

clinging on cliffs, like an eagle
wind-wavering above high, jagged rocks.

To have broken through the surface of stone,

to live, to feel exposed to the madness

of the vast, eternal sky.

To be swayed by the breezes of an ancient sea,

carrying my soul, my seed,

beyond the mountains of time or into the abyss of the bizarre.

I'd rather be unseen, and if

then shunned by everyone,

than to be a pleasant-smelling flower,

growing in clusters in the fertile valley,

where they're praised, handled, and plucked

by greedy, human hands.

I'd rather smell of musty, green stench

than of sweet, fragrant lilac.

If I could stand alone, strong and free,

I'd rather be a tall, ugly weed.

-Julio Noboa Polanco