a just-in-case letter to my son

Dear Son,

Today is Mother’s Day – and the day you woke up with a fever and tested positive for Covid-19.

Words cannot describe how it feels to be your mom, how much I am enjoying the cuddles today, but also how I worry and wish I could take away your pain and discomfort, even if it is just fevers and a runny nose. Your dad and I love you more than you will ever know or understand.

The main reason I’m writing this letter, however, is to leave you some words in the very unlikely event that something irreversible happens to me, your dad, or both. For the record, we both fully plan to be around to support (and annoy you) until you grow old and have your own kids and grandkids. But if you are receiving this letter and we are not physically here, know that your dad and I have thought about every possible scenario and plan to protect you, and we will be walking by your side and watching over you all of your life in spirit.

We know that life will not be the same if we are gone and that you will endure some hardships. That is life, son. If you ever find yourself wishing your mom was here to give you some advice, here it is:

• Your dad will watch you, or your grandparents and relatives will take guardianship over you if we are both away. At some point, you may feel a crisis of identity because you are very special and from a blended family with two cultures. Son, I hope you feel proud to be Chinese and proud to be Colombian. To see and live two different walks of life - this is a privilege that not everyone has. To have this privilege means you won’t fit into one box or the other, and that I promise you is a beautiful thing. I hope you stay in touch with your roots and treasure the three languages your dad and I have worked incredibly hard to gift you. 

• Family (biologic or chosen) is everything. Other things in life may pull you away – career, hobbies, other silly things. Please remember to hold close what is most important - your grandparents, your wife, your kids and the people you love. You can achieve balance, but it will take a lot of focus, self-discipline, and self-evaluation. Minimize screen and social media time. Be present. Don’t do drugs. I’m your mom I have to say that. That’s a shithole that once you’re in, will drastically change your life and feel near impossible to get out of. 

• Seek a partner who you respect and who respects you and who you can deeply trust. Marriage really is a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice - the right person will be beside you when you are in the trenches, fighting for your relationship and not backing out, keeping you sane, being a stable voice of reason. Anyone can have fun and be happy together when things are easy. Look for someone who weathers the storm, shoulders the burden of your family together, and lifts you up when times get hard. Someone who you would trust to raise your kid. If you find yourself trapped on a repetitive emotional roller-coaster, get off. At the same time, don’t expect anyone or any relationship to be perfect. There will always be volatile moments. Pick your battles. Expect, instead, that the end of the day, you remain a team and committed to each other and the family. Who you decide to build a life with is probably the single most important decision you will ever make. In case you were curious, 10 years with your dad so far and it was the best decision I ever made. 

• Your grades do matter! But ultimately are not as important as your mental well-being. Your dad and I expect you to have goals and to reach for them, chose a calling, and give it your best. Your success in life, however, should not be defined by the social or corporate ladder you climb, but rather the happiness and security (emotional, physical, and financial) you secure for yourself and your family. When you are on your deathbed one day (bear with me, I know this seems morbid), many things will melt away in importance i.e. clothes, shoes, wealth, etc; try to imagine what will matter to you most in that moment. For most, it is the feeling of having lived a full life, beautiful memories, and to be surrounded by people you love.

• If you feel stuck, which you will at some point, read this excerpt: "I'm reminded," he begins, "of a famous cartoon. It's of a prisoner, shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out--but to his right and left, it's open, no bars." He pauses, allowing the image to sink in. "All the prisoner has to do is walk around. But still, he frantically shakes the bars. That's most of us. We feel completely stuck, trapped in our emotional cells, but there's a way out-as long as we're willing to see it. I close my eyes and take a breath. I start by picturing the prison, a tiny cell with drab walls. I picture the metal bars, thick and gray and rusty. I picture myself in an orange jumpsuit, furiously shaking those bars, pleading for release. I picture my life in this tiny cell with nothing but...the prospect of a dismal, constrained future. I imagine screaming, "Get me out of here! Save me!" I envision myself looking to my right, then to my left, then doing a double take...as the realization hits me:  You are your own jailer. A cartoon, of all things, has taught me the secret of life." - book excerpt from "Maybe you should talk to someone" by Lori Gottlieb

• Which reminds me, read some books now and then, will ya. You will learn humanity and life experience from others without having to live through and make mistakes yourself. 

•      If you must grieve, know that time will help move you forward. You may be a changed man, but you will feel happiness again, I promise.

•.   If you are a teenager/young adult reading this, know that in 20 years, things that feel like a REALLY big deal, often really are not. 

• Please be patient. Your dad and I apologize for the genes, but just do your best :P

• You may have good looks and intelligence (well I think so, but I’m your mom), but be most proud of your grit and compassion for others. Have humility. Stay humble and grounded.

• Please learn to cook, clean, exercise, manage your finances, and be a functional human being. These are life skills. Respect and appreciate the body that carries you through this life and be good to it. Easy on the chocolate and sweets :D – if this is a problem, you have your dad to thank.

• Be Avispada – this is something your dad and I always joke about when we make a smooth move haha.

• Road rage – it’s not worth it.

Lastly, a few words just about you. You are only 21 months right now. You are extremely funny, happy, sensitive, people-smart, thoughtful, kind, caring, cautious, and intelligent. These adjectives may seem generic to you, but trust me I have carefully picked them out. You are advanced beyond your years for many physical and intellectual milestones. Just one example, you’re already dribbling a soccer ball better than most 4 year olds. You are also resilient – you fall, you get up and brush off the dirt. You hit your head on accident and you say “Bonk! Uh oh!” instead of crying. I hope you are able to see some of the millions of videos your dad and I took of you, and I hope they make you chuckle. I hope you are also able to see the baby book I put together for you and read some of the stories of your childhood. You are so loved. You are sunshine to everyone who meets you, and have touched our lives and your grandparents and even your nanny’s in the most profound way. 

Your dad and I have no doubt that you will be a strong, brave, resilient, hardworking, and kind young man. You will continue to bring goodness, light and joy into the lives of those around you. You will value and take care of your family. You will make us so proud. You have already.

I don’t know what lemons life will throw at you or how they will compare to this giant lemon that was already thrown in my face if I am not here as you are reading this, but I know you are a survivor. I wanted you to know for certain that you are so loved. And that you will be okay.

Love you with all my heart, 

Mom